I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
God I need to hump something, right now.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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