My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
