My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
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