You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
