mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
