dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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