i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
