Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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