My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
