just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize