she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i came on her dog
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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