Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did I show you my penis last night?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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