Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
