also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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