"it" just moved
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize