oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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