My friends, they love my intelligence
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
