hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
