I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize