I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
