I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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