I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
