About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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