a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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