My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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