i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
