I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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