So drunk its hurt
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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