I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
