My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
