So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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