you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
