Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize