There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
