despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
