Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
