got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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