I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
