Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize