Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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