i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
