I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize