So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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