oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
