Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
