Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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