That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize