Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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