my phone needs a breathalizer
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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