Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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