Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
