I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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