i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
As shirtless as possible
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
