im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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