You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
