I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
