it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
