everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
