I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I need moral support for this bender
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
