oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
