I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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